The Day Someone Brought Their Mum to a Disciplinary

Over more than three decades of doing this, one thing that still amazes me is how persistent the misconceptions are about who can actually represent an employee in a formal disciplinary or grievance hearing. HR sees this all the time: people turning up with friends or relatives like "Aunty Sandra, who used to be quite high up in HR."

If I had a pound for every time I corrected company heads on the misconception that their staff member's representative can attend but is not permitted to speak, I'd have retired already.

So last month, when someone asked if their Mum could attend their disciplinary meeting to accompany them, was I surprised? No. Did I permit it? Yes, I did. But did Mum bring anything to the meeting other than a heap load of protective body language and defensiveness? Not really.

You see, family members are allowed to attend the meeting as long as there's a good reason. Legally, employees can bring a union rep or a work colleague to disciplinary or grievance meetings. That's it. Not a friend, not a partner, and definitely not a disgruntled parent who feels their child is being picked on by ending up in a disciplinary meeting.

However, there are exceptions.

When Family Members Are Allowed

If someone has a condition that means they might struggle processing information, or if there's genuine vulnerability or inexperience, then yes, I'll allow a family member.

It's the fairest thing to do if someone is young or terrified and the situation is particularly difficult, and I think they will benefit from the extra support.

But I always, always set out their role and expectations at the start of the meeting.

The problem with allowing family members to accompany staff at meetings is that they can get too emotional and muddy the water.

The Problem With Mum (or Dad, or Your Mate Dave)

Family members care. Of course they do. But that's exactly why they struggle to stay objective. They're not there to support the process. They're there to protect someone they love. And while that's admirable, it doesn't help anyone get to a fair outcome.

Work colleagues and union representatives, on the other hand, understand the context. They know the workplace and the role, and they're not going to get over emotional or threaten you in the car park afterwards.

So What's the Role of a Companion?

If you do allow someone to bring a companion to a meeting, whether that's a colleague, a union rep, or (in exceptional cases) a family member, you need to be clear about what they can and can't do.

What a representative can do is simple. They can take notes, help the individual stay on track, summarise any points, or ask for clarity, but they cannot answer any questions on the individual's behalf. They also need to be reminded in advance of general etiquette, such as not derailing the meeting or being disruptive.

I always explain this at the start. It sounds formal, but it stops things from going off the rails.

The Lesson?

Stick to the rules where you can. That's the legal position, and it's there for a reason.

But if you do decide to allow a family member because the circumstances call for it, set the boundaries clearly from the start. Explain their role, stick to it, and don't let the meeting turn into a family tribunal.

Because the last thing you need is someone's mum begging you not to fire them. It's unnecessary and awkward for everyone.

And for what it’s worth, I don't judge anyone for wanting their mum there. I’d have loved mine to march into a few workplaces and shout at the people who were mean to me over the years.

But, unfortunately for me, I was already in HR and was considered the person who knew the law on everything, which meant I had to face everything all by myself, the hard way and absolutely mum-free.

 

Have you ever had someone bring an unexpected companion to a meeting?

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